what is my problem

i have tried to change how i feel, i really have. i don't know if these feelings will ever go away. i wish they would but i think there is still a small part of me that wants these feelings to linger. why does there have to be so much gray area? i want to spell it out and say what i am feeling but i can't. i just can't. it is probably better this way.

I ♥ The Office

well i have fallen in love with The Office. the show is simply amazing. I love the camera work, scripts, actors, everything about it! the part that makes the show is Jim and Pam. i am really glad that they didn't try to cast the prettiest girl ( even though i think she is pretty cute ) or the most handsome guy ( even though i bet some girls think he is ). they are just normal people living normal lives trying to make sense of normal feelings. i am going to try and remember some of my favorite scenes and lines and i will post that later. what are you takes on The Office? what do you like about it? what do you not like about it?

Back at home

i hope everyone had a fun and safe thanksgiving. here is a quick recap of my time away from work:

Wednesday: i left work around 3:30 and finished up some laundry and dishes before i headed off to Effingham , IL. I got to listen to all the music i wanted to as loud as i wanted ( i was a little ticked that i forgot my country mix cd ). but the drive was good. I got in around 8ish, hungout for a little and then crashed for the night

Thursday: Jac, Luke and I ate lunch at her parents house and then headed down to Evansville to see my dad's side of the family ( minus my dad and step mom ). I really wish i got to see them more than once a year. They are so interesting. My grandma ( she is 85 ) sat down at the piano and ( without any music in front of her ) started playing. she had everyone stunned. i have always known that my grandma tompkins is an amazing woman but playing the piano and remembering all those songs just added to her amazingness. she told us stories and showed pictures of when her kids were kids and i got to see my grandpa ( i never met him ) some too. it was one of those nights that just stays with you. it was one of those times where i actually felt like i belonged to something great and wonderful. i will try to post the video of my grandma playing piano. almost brings tears to my eyes.

Friday: We ate breakfest at Denny's ( one of my favorite restraunts ) and then headed back to Murray. oh and for those of you keeping track, i was in 3 different cities and 3 different states in 3 days. Friday afternoon Jac, Luke and I just hungout and relaxed. we rented season 2 of The Office...i am in love with this show.

Saturday-Sunday: we worked on the siding and thankfully got a lot done. We finished season 2 and now i am trying to find the episodes for season 3.

DAMN!

so it is kind of a joke around the house that my dad and step-mom ( stacy ) always seem to cancel their plans at the last minute. one time they were supposed to come down to murray ( they lived in new york at the time ) and never showed up. so i called up there and my step-brother ( ken ) answered and said they were in california watching a bike race. thanks for letting us know! well, my stacy has never seen luke ( my son ) and we were hoping that she would be able to this thanksgiving. well as fate would have it, my dad twisted his knee really bad this morning walking the dog and can't walk. apparently he is in a lot of pain and pretty sad that he can't make it to thanksgiving now. so they bailed on us again. i am not so much mad this time as i am sad. i don't get to see my dad that much ( maybe a 2-4 times a year ) and i miss him. ok, i better go, i am starting to get all teary eyed. i hope everyone has a good thanksgiving.

Lyrics Week

Band: Rascal Flats
Song: These Days


...I wake up and tear drops that fall down like rain
I put on that old song that we danced to and then
I head off to my job guess not much has changed
Punch the clock, head for home, check the phone, just in case
Go to bed, dream of you, that's what I'm doing these days
Yea that's what I'm doing...

lyrics week

Band: Reggie and the Full Effect
Song: Mood 4 Luv

...Well you're my fatal attraction
I saw you and my heart had a chain reaction
when I smell your perfume it smells like D O O M doom
and doom backwards is mood

I'm in the mood for you girl...

...I released twelve doves
'cause when your here I'm totally hot
and it makes my body numb
I know that makes me sound dumb
but dumb backwards is almost mood

I'm in the mood for you girl...

lyrics week

i decided that i am going to post some of my favorite lyrics this week. some might be full songs, others might be a single verse, who knows. oh and i could really use a topic to talk about, any ideas?

Band: HelloGoodbye
Song: Figures A and B ( means you and me )

Present for a presentation presented presently
There's no "I" in team, no me in us, no you in we
I'll write down letters inside letters but I can't let her see
Pass them forward with a foreword they won't mean a thing
Treasure torn out paper from the corner of a page
Measure worn out epigrams for signs of change with age
Figure out that figuratives mark
Figure A and B Images I imagened with pretty imagery (means you and me)

(You and me) We could be made for this
(Just wait and see) We might be made for this

It's so far away but I've planned a date
And that's at least a start to get inside your heart
It might be you and me oh we could be a team
It might be you and me oh just wait and see

(You and me) We could be made for this
(Just wait and see) We might be made for this

i think they wrote this song for me

Boy Sets Fire
"Rookie"

i never thought this could be me
i guess you never do until it's happening to you
like all the fun turns into shame
and all the "could have beens" rearrange
so little time so many crimes guilt like a chain chokes my will away
redemption never seemed so cruel
and all my gods never seemed so weak
wake up engage now derailed and enraged it used to be so easy
get up i'm game now sick and i'm tame counting cost with lost
where is the hope they gave
don't think that i can't hear you laugh
i used to be a lot like you but now i'm only me
drink to pills to shots turns into shock a habit and a pawn
for every hand goes round the pain gets so damned loudthe hammer hits and i'm down
trust no one
hey why should i they gave me the poison dressed like life cheated smacked up and diseased cry to sleep and fight to eat
used to be a pro at thisnow I've broken my own wrist
rotten teeth and life unsung you'll forget me when I'm gone

please listen to this song. there are two different versions but i think both are great.

http://www.boysetsfire.org/downloads/NeverSurrenderV2.mp3

http://www.boysetsfire.org/downloads/NeverSurrender.mp3

who am i?

I hate when people think they know me but they don't. How can you know me when I hardly know myself?

family

hell week is over and now i get to try to get back into a "normal" routine. i ended up working about 50 hours in 3 days. but friday jac and i went up to louisville to see my mom and step-dad. it ended up being a really good weekend. my youngest brother, alex, is 14 and smack dab in that awkward stage of life. i know my step-dad isn't helping him so i try to do what i can. i want him to be a good man, a honorable man. anyways, it was good. i actually got to see all the family. it was like thanksgiving. good times. plus i got a new cd by a band called Hello Goodbye. i had never heard of them before so i thought i would give it a try. it is a very good cd. how is everyone doing?

no more

Seriously, i don't need any more morons in my life. i like to think that i am pretty tolerant of most people. but i am slowly being pushed over the edge this week.

Dear God,
Please let me have a good conversation with somebody that isn't dumb.

Sincerly,
Brayn