are you talking to me?

what a good weekend. yesterday i went with some friends and rode through the woods in a jeep. talk about fun. the most interesting part about my weekend would have to be church on sunday. my friend chris spoke and it was really good. eventually, everyone has to make a decision about their faith, sometimes more than once. i grew up in church. my mom played piano while my grandma was the secretary and my grandpa ( i call him pa ) was a deacon. i belived because my parents did. i understood what i needed to say so that i could become a member of the church and finally take communion and get my name in the chruch phone book. later on when my parents got divorced and i could choose for myself to go to church or not i chose not to. why go? God is everywhere and doesn't really care if i go to church just as long as i am still a good person and i talk to him every once in a while. then i went to a catholic high school. i even had to take religion classes. you would think this would have led me back, nope. i was taught that the bible was a good book but not true. the old testament was just a giant parable and didn't realy happen. all this time i was still a "good" person. i never stole anything, a watched my mouth in front of my grandparents and parents ( most of the time ), didn't drink that much, didn't have a lot of sex, and so on. sometimes i would be walking home at night from work and i would look up to the sky and talk to God. i usually only did this though when i needed something. to speed this story up, i finally went to college where i met kent. kent was/is cool. he showed me this different world. he spoke about his past and was a great friend to me. if i hadn't met him i would not even be writing on this blog. i wouldn't have met some many wonderful people that i still have friendships with today. i probably wouldn't be married either. anyways...back to this sunday. chris talked about struggling with God. God is not going to force me to love him. he wants me to come to him on my own. i think i have. but i still struggle. sometimes i think about what death is like. sometime i am afraid that i don't really konw God. why don't i hear his voice like other people? why can't i stay focused when i try to pray? i have lots of whys. but sunday gave me hope. Jacob finally came to God and trusted him fully. hopefully one day i will be like Jacob too.

sorry about the rambling and babbling. hopefully this made some sense